Monday, February 1, 2010

A Childless Mother

If you would have asked me in high school how many kids I was going to have, I would have said "a bunch...4 for sure." ** I had actually determined that I would have a child every 27 months to keep them perfectly spaced. Ha!**  My career ambition was to be a mom and chauffeur the kids to all their activities and be the parent in the stands cheering them on.

I was supposed to find a husband in college. I remember turning 21 and all three of my siblings were married, had children and owned their own homes. I was still in college and felt like I was falling behind in my plan. I honestly felt like a failure.

Now, I don't have a sad story that I was infertile or something, I just never got married and thus, didn't have children. Granted, one of my nieces (at the age of 12) told me that I could have a kid if I just slept around. (Boy, that's a whole 'nother blog post) I didn't take the advice, no matter how interesting the option was.

In my 30's, I looked into artificial insemination. Did you know that you shop for it by selecting a donor through a catalog that describes the man including height, hair color, education, etc? I was reminded several times that you don't get the guy, just a cup of his donation.
In my 40's, I looked at adoption, but doubted I could make it through the screening and never moved forward with it.

I think I would have been a good mom. I hope I would have been a cool mom.

The most difficult part for me because of being childless is not having activities to attend that I see my friends involved with because of their children. They are always busy, but they are also creating connections with the other parents through time spent together with the mutual focus of their kids activities.

I know that many of these same friends think that my life sounds easier and more carefree because I don't schedule my life around someone else's activities.  I don't see it that way. To me, it's about feeling like something is missing.

Luckily, I have friends who include me in their kids' activities and while I might not be related, I do feel like part of the family.

1 comment:

darcie said...

I have no doubt you would have been a great mom AND a cool mom...but you don't have to birth babies to still be that woman. I grew up without a biological mother - mine passed away just before I turned 3. I had many women in my life that were just like mothers to me. Amazing women. You can be that mom to girls AND boys in your life - I know you can!
And I've got two little ones you can watch dance and skate and play hockey and sing and hit a ball any old time you want!

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