Going home

I'm ready to challenge Thomas Wolfe and prove him wrong. "You can't go back home to your family, back home to your childhood." Just watch me.

Back in March, I wrote a post about the six week telework pilot that allowed me to work from home half time. It's been a great experience and while I haven't yet met with my boss to confirm that we're going to continue this arrangement, she also hasn't given me any sign that this experiment didn't work.

At the end of that blog post, I mentioned that the ability to telework half time would allow me to live anywhere I want. As the month of April started, I received a letter from the landlord that told me that the rent was going up and I had to let them know by May 1st if I was renewing my lease for another year.

Time to make a decision.

Time to stop telling friends that I'm thinking about it and take the step forward. I haven't been thinking about this in a vacuum; I've heard opinions from lots of different people.

I know there are some, possibly related to me, that may think it's slightly nuts of me to do this.  (and they wouldn't use the term 'slightly' to describe how nuts they think I am) I listened to my brother-in-law Paul and his thoughts about making the move. The practicality of winter driving and the fact that my car is nearing the end of the forcibly extended life and that I was going to need something dependable sooner rather than later.

There was  an article in the March 2013 issue of Real Simple magazine entitled "back where I belong" by Rod Dreher, that brought home the decision I had ahead of me.

The author shares the story of how he ended up moving from big town Philadelphia back to his hometown after being away for years. The sad twist to the story is that he only realized the value of small town life when his sister, who had always lived in their hometown, passed away from cancer. He saw, during the months leading up to her death, how the community showered love and compassion on her.

But, it was the conversation with my friend Jessie that helped me get right with myself for this decision and realize it's a no-brainer. Jessie and I don't get to see each other a lot, but when we do, we often act as sounding boards to each other.  We met Sunday night at the Guthrie Theater in Minneapolis for dinner and a play.

Her one simple question, "what is your circle of friends like in Rochester," showed the reality of my life. Socially, besides my family here, it's very limited. I have friends here, but not 'hanging-out-friends.'

"And," she continued, "it's not like your family is going to stop inviting you to hang out if you move to Albert Lea." I hope not, Sunday dinners at the Knutson's is one of my favorite parts of the week. Being closer to family here in Rochester than I have in the past 20 years has been outstanding. It's the best part of living here.

Then Jessie followed up with, "what is your circle of friends like in Albert Lea?" I smiled, then smirked. When thinking of my Albert Lea friends, the phrase 'circle of friends' is usually capitalized to "Circle of Friends." In the 22+ years since I've been gone, those friendships have remained strong and have even grown.

Way back in 1988, Jessie and I met and became friends in Albert Lea during a community theater production of "Anything Goes."  When I mentioned to her how I knew it wouldn't be long before I was back at the theater and singing at church, she smiled and said, "you're going back to Albert Lea. It's a no-brainer."

"I'm going back to Albert Lea," I said calmly. Then it became, "Oh my God, I'm moving back to Albert Lea."

But I'm not thinking of it as moving to Albert Lea as much I think of it as I'm going home.

Today's helpful hint

Never one to keep valuable information to myself, I've decided to start sharing small, and perhaps ironic, helpful hints. Just short little bursts of information.

#1 - If you live by yourself and are recovering from a cold, don't select the McDonald's drive-thru as the first place you use your voice that day.

I am currently experiencing my THIRD cold this year. Usually, I get one cold and that's it. This third one has been brutal including a fever of 102 degrees, a cough that sounds like Como Zoo's Sparky the Seal, and, on top of it all, I lost my voice.

Honestly, I haven't completely lost my voice, but I've been told that I sound like either Jessica Rabbit, Kathleen Turner or Harvey Fierstein. 

Somehow, this past Saturday, I didn't even talk to myself at home to realize that I didn't have a voice. (Yes, single people talk to themselves much more than we admit) Nothing like leaning out your car window, opening your mouth to talk and only having a squeak of a sound come out. Half the time at drive-thru's, you have to shout anyway. Shouting when you have little to no voice is stupid and pretty pathetic. 

And their malt machine was broken. So, it was just a failure all around.

How Facebook has killed the Christmas letter

I have very clear memories of my mother spending hours and hours organizing herself to prepare  Christmas cards for mailing to family and friends. She would camp out at the dinner room or kitchen table for a couple of days and work from her list. 

Each card was selected from her stash with the particular addressee in mind. She would take the time to hand write a note telling the receiver of all the news from the Harty household in the past year. She would hand address each envelope and her one shortcut was the pre-printed return address labels she received from St. Jude's. 

Having this as my role model creates lots of pressure. I can still hear her critical comments when she would receive a Christmas card in return with no personal note. Even worse were the ones where the people would have their names pre-printed on the inside of the card. Lazy people, can't even sign their names. It might even have been an insult for her.

Fast forward to the late 1980's/early 1990's, when it started being trendy to include a Christmas letter with your card. (I think this was acceptable to mom, but at a much lower standard) 

I remember when my friends started sending Christmas letters where they would either outline the many successes of their offspring or the fabulous locations they had traveled that year. Or worse, both. Since I could talk about neither (unless I listed the ice rinks that I had visited in the past year), I would just use my creative writing skills and make them humorous, but still include various tidbits of what I had done in the past year. I did Top Ten lists, I wrote poems. Anything to distract from my semi-pitiful life.

A few years ago, I started doing a Christmas blog (Ye Olde Yule Blog) and would send everyone an email with a link to the blog post. I would claim "green," but honestly it was just so much easier and cheaper. (You don't claim "lazy.")

Now, because of Facebook, I don't even do the Yule Blog. I'm diligent in posting updates, so people can know my every move and thought (and isn't that something everyone wants to know??). And with so many people in my demographic group who are now on Facebook, I think the list of non-Facebook people to whom I would send a card is fairly small.

Regardless of that fact, right now, a bunch of boxes of Christmas cards are stacked on my kitchen island for the non-Facebook list and I'm lacking motivation. I worry if I work on these cards, my resentment might sneak through and I might write something like, "why the heck are you not on Facebook?" or give them a warning that unless they join Facebook, they risk being cut off from receiving highly-valued information about me. I mean, that's got to be a motivating factor, right? 

Can You Hear Me Now?

I really, REALLY had to have an iPhone. All the other kids had 'em and they were, I was sure, all the really cool kids or the smartest kids or in someway superior to me. 

Once I had an iPhone, it would be the great equalizer and I would be just as cool, smart and maybe even, equal to their superiority.

So, in November of 2009, when my Sprint never-ending two year contract was done, I marched right into the AT&T store to purchase my iPhone 3GS. Only they didn't have in stock. And each time I checked back, they still didn't have any in stock. 

www.nataliedee.com

Two weeks into this exercise in futility, they came clean; said they rarely get any in and told me if I went to an Apple store, I would most likely be able to buy a phone that day. My quest for the iconic iPhone was complete and there was peace and joy in the kingdom. 

So why did I deactivate my iPhone yesterday and cancel my AT&T contract? Mostly because I was spending far too much money a month for the bells and whistles of an iPhone. 

I've been thinking about this for awhile. A couple of months ago, a co-worker of mine talked about how little she was using her iPhone for phone calls (me, too) and that she was planning on dumping her iPhone and getting a pay-as-you-go phone and an iTouch. 

That conversation really planted the seed. 

Two weeks ago I attended a conference at the Sprint World Headquarters. While there, I started hearing about what I could save with a much simpler phone. And since I've been looking at ways to save money, I just decided it was time to do it. 

Oh, there's one more thing I should admit. I was actually paying for two phones on my AT&T plan. I was a single woman on a family plan. 

The iPhone was my Twin Cities 612 number while the second phone was my Southern Minnesota 507 number. I've had the 612 number for over 12 years, so most people would think that I would keep that number. 

They would be wrong. 

Monday, I marched into the Sprint Store and got a new Android phone for my 507 number. Yesterday, I stopped by the AT&T store and cancelled my contract. I'll give credit to Kyle at the AT&T store, he was very accommodating to someone who walks in and announces she's there to cancel her contract. He didn't try to talk me out of it or offer me some deal. He respected my decision and in less that 5 minutes my iPhone 3GS was magically transformed into my iTouch 3GS. (an iPhone in a permanent state of airplane mode) 

I'm slowly getting my new phone figured out, but if you call me in the next couple of days and I don't answer quickly, it's because I'm trying to figure out how to answer the darn thing. 

A Saturday at Target

I've just returned home from a semi-unplanned trip to Target. It wasn't the original destination of the trip, but like the siren's song attracts sailors, the lure of Target just sucks me right in.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Target. It is an outstanding Minnesota-based company and when I lived in Houston in the mid-1980's, I would go into a Target when I was homesick. And I look rather fantastic in red.

Now Saturdays at Target are equal parts shopping, trying the samples and people watching (although if you want high-end Saturday samples, you go to Byerly's). I didn't try any samples because when you're journaling "if you bite, write it," samples will mess you up. In the true tradition of Target, I went in for the basics (milk, meat, veggies) and walked out having spent $75. (My check-out clerk, Adam, told me that every third person he rings up says the same thing to him.)

Nearly every time I go grocery shopping, a rant goes through my head, "Why doesn't anyone package things for single people?"  I'm making spaghetti tonight, so I wanted pasta sauce. I wanted to find a small jar since I don't make pasta that often and the remaining sauce usually becomes a biology project in my fridge.

Then there is the toilet paper issue. Not only am I single, but my home lacks storage space. What ever happened to the four packs of toilet paper? The smallest size I could find was a 12-pack of the double rolls (equal to 24 rolls of paper!).  This whole issue is why most single people do not have Sam's Club memberships. 

Target was a hopping place. There was a large group of people picking out Father's Day cards - guess they won't be mailing their cards. The highlight of today's expedition was a mom with her two young daughters. It truly put a smile on my face. The girls were about four and six and they were so excited to help their mom shop for the lasagna they were making that night. The kids weren't whiney or misbehaving, just enthusiastic. While working with the older one, the younger girl starts wandering down into the freezer row. Her mom is calling her name to come back, but she's looking at every thing around her and was in her own world, happy as can be. ( may have recognized myself in that child)

While Adam the clerk was ringing up my $75 worth of goods, the women at the checkout behind me commented how this Target is her favorite because she used to work here, only the Roseville Target she worked at was torn down and rebuilt, but it was special all the same.  I turned around and asked her if it is a requirement that everyone who lives in Minnesota must work at a Target at one time or other in their lives? 

But of course, I couldn't stop there. I had to add that when I worked at Target, they didn't have scanners and you had to punch in the numbers on the price tag (Adam looked confused at that point - 'what's a price tag?'). AND not only did we have to punch in the numbers, BUT back then Target keypads were set up like telephones, not like a traditional 10-key! My "10-key by touch" skills were pretty wasted by Target and I lasted only a couple of months.

I didn't have to pick up a Father's Day card at Target.

Remember my Couch to 5K Challenge? It is a nine-week program to get you ready for a 5K race. Although I started the challenge back in early April (more than nine weeks ago), I haven't gotten past Week Five. I've been running (even running outside!), but not very consistently. The original plan was to run a race on the 5th of June, but that got canceled when the race itself was canceled. Then I was looking to June 12th and the Lederhosenlauf 5K that was serving beer & brats at the end of the race. Unfortunately, I was telling myself that I wasn't ready and kept putting off running my first 5K. 

Tomorrow, I'm registered to run in the Father's Day 5K around Como Lake. I have my friends Kelly and Nathan coming to cheer me on and take pictures (as proof!). I don't have a time goal since it's my first - my goal is just to finish before they start dismantling the finish line.

The race is marketed as a chance for fathers and their kids to run together. I figured it was a good choice because my dad isn't here anymore. 

My dad died of congestive heart failure complicated by diabetes. My Grandma Harty died of congestive heart failure complicated by diabetes as did her mother. 

I have three generations of reasons why I'm running this 5K.

Waiting for someone else is like waiting for Godot

Each day, as part of my job, I schedule tweets for the work account. The tweets are part of our website's "Thought For The Day" pages, which are incredibly popular. Usually one or two each day seem to apply to my life, but none so much as one from today. 

Karen Casey's wonderfully written daily meditation book, "Each Day A New Beginning," features a quote from Kathleen Tierney Crilly in today's message: 

To wait for someone else, or to expect someone else to make my life richer, or fuller, or more satisfying, puts me in a constant state of suspension; and I miss all those moments that pass. They never come back to be experienced again.

Those are words seem to describe the first forty years of my life.  I was always waiting for that person, that someone to come along and make my life complete. I couldn't fathom a life where I was enough; where I could be comfortable with myself, just myself. 

And I know that I have missed much in my life because I had those expectations. 

I saw the play "Waiting for Godot" as a college production. The play itself (not my favorite) is painful to attend, let alone a college production of it. I just remember really, really wanting to get out of the theatre before I shouted out "Godot isn't coming! Get on with your lives." 

Maybe the reason I was waiting was due to the messages I received growing up. I really didn't have any role models in my life that were single women. Everywhere I looked, people were coupled up and then had families.  Growing up in a small town, I never had friends with divorced parents until I was out of college. 


I know I missed so much in that state of suspension. I don't remember any conscious choice to walk away from an opportunity because I was waiting, but it is possible that I didn't take risks that I might have.

Today, while watching President Obama announce his nominee for Supreme Court Justice, Elena Kagen, I realized that she was single (as was his first nominee, Sonia Sotomayor). Two highly successful career women moving into the ultimate job for their vocation.  Did they have single women role models? Or maybe they just figured it out long before I did. 

From everything I see today, the current generation of young women have role models at all levels of success. While I wouldn't see myself as a role model, I could offer myself as a cautionary tale- "Don't wait for someone else to make yourself whole - You already are." 


Image: "Waiting in Cuba" by wahoorob 80

A Childless Mother

If you would have asked me in high school how many kids I was going to have, I would have said "a bunch...4 for sure." ** I had actually determined that I would have a child every 27 months to keep them perfectly spaced. Ha!**  My career ambition was to be a mom and chauffeur the kids to all their activities and be the parent in the stands cheering them on.

I was supposed to find a husband in college. I remember turning 21 and all three of my siblings were married, had children and owned their own homes. I was still in college and felt like I was falling behind in my plan. I honestly felt like a failure.

Now, I don't have a sad story that I was infertile or something, I just never got married and thus, didn't have children. Granted, one of my nieces (at the age of 12) told me that I could have a kid if I just slept around. (Boy, that's a whole 'nother blog post) I didn't take the advice, no matter how interesting the option was.

In my 30's, I looked into artificial insemination. Did you know that you shop for it by selecting a donor through a catalog that describes the man including height, hair color, education, etc? I was reminded several times that you don't get the guy, just a cup of his donation.

In my 40's, I looked at adoption, but doubted I could make it through the screening and never moved forward with it.

I think I would have been a good mom. I hope I would have been a cool mom.

The most difficult part for me because of being childless is not having activities to attend that I see my friends involved with because of their children. They are always busy, but they are also creating connections with the other parents through time spent together with the mutual focus of their kids activities.

I know that many of these same friends think that my life sounds easier and more carefree because I don't schedule my life around someone else's activities.  I don't see it that way. To me, it's about feeling like something is missing.

Luckily, I have friends who include me in their kids' activities and while I might not be related, I do feel like part of the family.